Tuesday, December 31

Faith In His Timing

Let me rewind to October or November 2012.  Mike, Lawson and I were living in our two bedroom one bathroom house on Grove Road. It was getting so cramped and I could not wait to get it on the market and moved into something that fit our family. I can remember saying to Mike, "Wouldn't it be neat to be able to announce our second pregnancy by sending out Christmas cards with the news this year?" He laughed and said something like, "Yeah right, we don't even know if our house will sell, or where we will be, we need to wait to have another baby when we get into a bigger house." Understandable. (Mike and I just love the holidays so I guess that's why I thought it would be neat to be able to announce via a Christmas card)

So, January 2013 we spent fixing and repairing to get our house ready to put on the market. We wanted to put our best foot forward right from the start. We listed our house at the end of February and had a offer that week. Closing was scheduled for the beginning of April, we moved, tried to get everyone settled to the new house and new area, tried to get out and meet neighbors and become more involved in our church, and, started trying to have another baby. It didn't take long and we were pregnant, and excited to be adding a new baby to our family and very excited for Lawson to have a sibling. As excited as we were, I had a eerie feeling that something wasn't right, I don't know if it was just in my head, mothers intuition or me being paranoid but something just didn't seem right. 

We waited for our first appointment and ultra sound and the baby was measuring a week behind what I thought he or she should, the heartbeat was strong though, and our Doctor said that just because the dates were a little off it was nothing that alarmed him, and I should not worry.
 Still, in my head I was not convinced and was basically in tears talking to him with fear and worry. He told me he would gladly do another ultra sound himself in 2 weeks if it would make me feel better, I said yes, thanked him and left trying to tell myself that my worries were just in my head and I needed to be excited and enjoy this time. After all, we had seen a strong heartbeat and what appeared to be a healthy baby.

 It was one week later that I had the miscarriage. When I walked into my house after the horrible doctors appointment the only thing Lawson kept saying was "What is wrong with your eyes Mommy?"  I don't think he had ever seen me crying like that before that day. This broke my heart into a million pieces. This was the end of July, my due date was March 6, 2014.

After the surgery, my doctor advised me to wait two months before trying again. So, after shedding an abundance of tears for what seemed like the slowest week of my life I decided that instead of spending my time thinking about what could have been or should have been or crying myself to sleep every night that, I would turn to God and put all of my faith in Him. I prayed that whatever His plan was for me, to have another child, to not have another child, that he would give me peace of mind, and he did.

 Two months came and went, and we were casually trying to have another baby, but this time there was no obsessive looking at the calendar or watching the dates go by, it was what it was and that was that. 
I found out I was pregnant again and it immediately just felt different, in a good way. This was His plan, not mine. 
We saw the baby on ultra sound at 8 weeks, and the baby was measuring exactly 8 weeks and 1 day, my due date is July 6, 2014, and it just so happened that I came to the end of my first trimester during the holiday season and  announced to family and friends, via our Christmas card exactly one year after I said that to Mike, talk about coming full circle. :) 
I said during the months following the miscarriage that I put my Faith in God and that was that, but I did have moments of sadness and wondered what was the plan for me and my family, and I could not have been so strong in my faith without the support of my husband, family and Sunday school friends.

Because it was early in our pregnancy we had not told many people. We told our immediate family and the day before I had a miscarriage we did decide to share the news with our Sunday School class because at the time four other girls in the class were pregnant as well. 
 Thank goodness we made this decision, because it was quite possibly the best thing ever having the support of friends in the class during the difficult weeks and months following, one of my friends in the class had been through the same exact thing, twice, being able to share feelings and have her guidance was so helpful, and made me have hope that it would happen again for us, because she was due in October and has a happy healthy baby girl! 
I started a blog post back in July that had the good news of that baby that was obviously never posted, now I am posting this with extreme joy and lesson learned that through Christ you are given strength and reminders that whatever your plan may be, that in the end, His plan is the ultimate and best plan for you. I'm also writing this because something that is so common yet is never talked about, never mentioned, and so many people go through this alone and I just think that is sad, no one should have to be alone so maybe, if people begin to discuss it, it won't be such a hard thing to deal with.

Baby Head that is now in Heaven 

Baby sister or brother due July 2014 :)